Tonight’s dinner is quiche and waffles. With a side of guilt.
My dishes aren’t totally done (but I did at least do one load). I didn’t help Elliott with his homework and when writing numbers 0-99 in little boxes, he inexplicably ended up at 100. Between setting the pie crust out to get to room temperature and coming back for more work, I checked his homework and found that he accidentally skipped 17. I just had him write it in, but I had this overwhelming feeling that I should have seen it. I should have caught it. I shouldn’t have been updating my Etsy shop while he was doing his homework. Unreasonably, I feel that I should have been there, engaging with him and enriching his life by staring at him as he wrote out a bunch of numbers that he’s known since he was in kindergarten.
Even now, the quiche is in the oven and here he stands, talking to me about how he can’t believe he’s taller than one of his friends who is older than he is. I’m listening, responding, and totally paying attention even though I’m also trying to shoot this post off before I have to go start throwing waffles into the toaster. This is marketing. I’m not spending all night on it, but this is something essential to business. As the quiche bakes, I’m finishing up the last of my business for the day. Why does it feel like this makes me a terrible mother?
I’ve got goals, ambitions, and I’m trying to build a business. Sometimes it cuts into family time. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s certainly passable to even drop in company right now, and I don’t think I should be too concerned about not being able to remember the last time I mopped. I remember that the last time I swept was yesterday because I broke a glass. I had been in the middle of making a cup of instant coffee just before I ran back to my desk to do more work on the stitch markers I just posted in my shop tonight.
I ponder these feelings, I guess, and feel compelled to put a positive spin on it. (See my previous post.) I think that, for me, with as much as I love my family, I don’t feel like I can ever be enough for them. Not because I’m somehow inferior, or because they’re unappreciative or demanding, but because they are so huge in my heart, I could work 24/7 for the rest of my life at nothing more than being a mom and a wife and I would still feel like I was falling short. As archaic as that sounds, it’s the truth. I love them more than anything else in my life, especially my business. But I’m building this thing, not just for me, but for them.
A lot of this could come from Proverbs 31, too. If you ever want to take a gander at a major multitasking diva, check out the Proverbs 31 woman. I think she’s been used for centuries by religion to make women feel guilty and to make them stay at home. When you look, though, she didn’t just stay home. She ran at least two businesses (making and selling cloth and buying land). I think a lot of our cultural guilt over women might come from the idea of this woman who managed to do it all–take care of her family and run a business.
I used to feel guilty about this. I’d look at her and wonder, “Why can’t I do it all? What’s so special about her? What has she got that I haven’t got?” One time, when I was reading, I saw the answer to that question.
Check out verse 15: “She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.”
Did you catch it? Did you see?
She had SERVANTS.
Oh, yeah! Guilt is off the menu tonight!